"It Took Me 40 Years to Learn This."

The 6 vital lessons I learned for a fulfilling life & if they translate to today.

Jun 09, 2025

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In October 2023, I posted this reel to Instagram, listing the six most important lessons I’d learned over my then 40 years that translated to fulfilling days. Now, in June 2025, it’s time to revisit them.

Let’s take an audit of each lesson, whether I still think it is true and worthy, whether I actually also adhere to it myself in practice, and if my perspective changed.

8 minute read.

Lesson 1.

“The secret to happiness is instead to embrace contentment: being satisfied with what you have, for what it is, at the time. Things will get bigger and better, but don’t always be hopping to the next best thing.”

I definitely still hold this to be true and remind myself to practice it regularly. At the time, I was thinking about “the grass is greener” mentalities wherein we want to improve and better and best our situations. I was telling myself to enjoy what I have and not move the goal post. Now, I read it differently. More like a, “when things are tough, be sure you still enjoy what’s right in front of you anyway.” Specifically, as we hope and try, and try and try, to have more children, I want to be very specific with myself that I do not miss out on this time enjoying my sweet Cosima. I don’t want to look back at the end of this adventure and say, “Damn, that was like a whole year or two when I was wishing for something and didn’t fully enjoy what I already had.” To be sure, it’s possible to feel two things at once: wish and hope and try for something, and also relish and enjoy and be happy with what you have. I just want to be sure I am not forfeiting the latter for the former. Because just because you don’t get something you want does not mean all is lost. And, moreover, maybe it’s still coming! So don’t waste this meantime being sad about something that might not actually be happening. My worst nightmare is to imagine myself, down the road, having every single thing I could ever possibly want, and looking back only to think, “Man, if only I’d known to be happy during that in between time because it was going to be okay, anyway.” You won’t know until you’re there. Being emotionally disciplined is so important to happiness, in this way. We think of “happiness” as a yoga flow; to me, it’s more like weight training reps.

Lesson 2.

“My task is to forgive, love, and be kind. It’s not my job to understand it or untangle it.”

I do currently think this is true and a worthy goal. It’s a different way to get at the “you can’t control everything” mentality. It is also me harping on the idea that those deep dive conversations with someone who has hurt you—where you spin your wheels and expend so much energy to explain it, articulate it, show them, demand an explanation, ask why they did that, ask for a commitment it will not happen again, etc.—are a huge waste of my precious self. Forgive or don’t. Either way, move on, and don’t waste time teaching anyone how to be a good person. By “move on,” I mean don’t let it take up space in your brain. Some people think of this as a “believe people when they show you who they are” thing. Believe them. Accept them. Then act accordingly. Don’t keep going back to tell them they’re horrible or remind them that you’re moving on. If ever I feel stressed or sad that someone disappointed me deeply and we are disconnected, instead of reaching out and harping on them to finally understand me and right things, I instead hope to myself that they will feel how much I love them, and I always tell them that I love them, and I leave it at that. This frees me up to enjoy the relationship with clear eyes without wishing it were different (see Lesson 1), with boundaries and expectations that respect myself.

Lesson 3.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear, and it’s worth walking through it to get. It’s okay to be afraid; but do it anyway. The only way is through.”

This is 100% true and I think of it as a “so what” attitude that I take up with myself. In my head, I think: “This is so scary!” And I hear back: “I know! It is!” So what?!” As a Type A person, it is so natural for me to build out a decision tree where every possible option leads to more possibilities and unknowns, none of which is guaranteed safety or happiness. It’s important not to avoid that exercise, but rather to do it anyway, but at the end say, “And?…” I’ve done so much in the past few years that scares the shit out of me. It still does, I just have a more tempered reaction to it. I don’t let the big build up, crescendo, and come down happen anymore. I just do it and move on. The pay off is always there, on the other side, and it’s a useful skill to call on. I’m not talking about the sort of exciting, thrilling, “Ooooh this is new to me!” trembles. Like sharing a website on Substack with strangers every week. I’m talking about the “I’m physically shaking with fear” things you need to push through, and sometimes even allow yourself to dissociate from, because it just has to happen to get you to where you need to be. For me, this is scary medical stuff or all-in treatments that might not bring anything but heartache in return, and resisting all temptation to let it turn you into a self-pitying or bummed out person in the meantime because you allowed it to become your identity instead of just a footnote to a wonderful life. Emotional perseverance during physical pain, all while rejecting “martyr syndrome,” is what I’m talking about.

Lesson 4.

“Look for people who share my moral compass—who have the same center of gravity as me. Not people who are similar to me on paper. Look for shared values, not shared interests.”

This is still true and a deceptively difficult lesson to embrace. I think when I first moved to Charleston, in particular, I met a lot of people who seemed like a perfect friendship match on paper, and I was confused when I’d end up going home feeling a little lonely after spending time with them. I now see that we actually did not have that much in common to begin with, despite appearances. And my eyes were opened to this once I had my daughter, because having a family forces/allows you to get really clear on what your values are. Because I get to create an entire world for her, picking and choosing what I want in it. Building that skill for her translated to myself, as well. I now pay attention to how people spend their own time and how they talk about their own lives, to help me learn about their values (without judgment) and that has lead to really rich, gratifying, deep friendships. Also, as a precursor, this lesson requires you to be honest with yourself, first. How do you spend your time and think about your life? Because if you are not happy with the answers, you first have to make some changes before you can expect to align with anyone else.

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Lesson 5.

“Eat breakfast.”

This seems trite. I think I stuck it in there to make the reel readers laugh in the midst of a rather heavy share. You already know you’ll feel nauseous and get a headache if you don’t get some calories and nutrition in you, whenever that may be.

Lesson 6.

“The Southern mentality of declining unnecessary confrontation has a lot of merit. You don’t have to voice every thought or change every mind. Less is more. Let them think they’re right, or funny, or whatever. Let them get to know you in small drips over time. Let it drift.”

This is true and, again, requires discipline to subvert your ego. Ego to be seen, ego to win, ego to make a splash. The most powerful people in the room is not the person at the head of the table yelling and using 1,000 words. It is the person leaning against the back wall, watching and saying nothing, before slipping out. At the time, I was thinking of this lesson in the context of getting to know new people over time, and how in Charleston people do not respond well to the more transactional relationships ubiquitous in New York, and how I really enjoy this Southern way because it plays into the discipline skill. Now, I think of the lesson more in the context of facing confrontation. If someone is rude or lets their mask slip (revealing that they don’t support you or are using you), the best recourse is to say absolutely nothing back. Like, ever. If you never hear from me again, it’s because I saw right through you; not because I didn’t notice.

This was intense. But we have to go there sometimes. Will you leave your own lessons below?

xxBlaise