The "Yes, and." Life Approach

Let's explore a specific glimmer of wisdom from one of my most successful friends.

6 minute read.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon on the Sullivan’s Island beach with my dearest friend, my very first friend in Charleston since moving here in 2018, Anne Carolina. In town for 36 hours and off a flight from Paris, I felt like gold being on her “must see” list. She picked me up and we did what we do: drove straight to the beach.

Sitting on our towels in the late afternoon sun, we talked for hours. A.C. is an excellent conversationalist because she is an excellent listener and is very self-aware. As such, her sentences are sprinkled with asides to let me know she is aware of how she is being understood by me, as well as strung with references to past experiences and through-lines of our shared world. The first, like little lightening bugs, and the second, like glowing strands of café lights.

She has a gift.

But the one thing that always—and I mean always—strikes me, is A.C.’s use of “yes, and.”

“How are you feeling about that visit to that city? It is more intriguing now that you’re in the States, do you think?” “Yes, and.” she says.

Please note: It is is not “yes, but.” The “but” feels like a rebuttal, and excuse, a justification, a defense. We’re giving an answer, then also carving it down with an exception. That creates a tension, because in just two short words, we have set-up two contrary rules: yes, and also in certain circumstances, no. Significantly, the “but” is closed. It begs for a completed sentence. “But, what?” There is something we have already decided on—something we want to cut out and avoid and are not open to. So, not only are we closed off to something, but we have already identified what that thing is. “But” is closed off in all ways: we know what is coming, and we’ve already said no.

“Yes, and.” is something very different. First of all, it is much more subtle. And therefore more elegant. Because “and” leaves open possibility and opportunity. It is more discerning. It is a fine surgical tool, whereas “but” is a blunt object. Relatedly, “and” is open to the future: to pivoting, to learning more, to adjusting as circumstances shift. It acknowledges and accepts, which is incredibly evolved, that we do not currently have all the information and the scene is dynamic.

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Most importantly, “Yes, and.” is a complete sentence. That is why there is a period inside the quotation marks despite it being in the middle of the sentence. In keeping with the open-ended spirit of “and,” the point is that we do not yet know what those additional needs are. It is not “yes, and…..” It is “yes, and.” End of sentence. We’ll know the rest when it presents itself. For now, we simply know to keep our eyes open, that we are open, but will need an additional something: support, facts, assurance, energy, confirmation, etc.

Before I met A.C., I had never heard this phrase. Now, over the years, every time we are together (which, deliciously, is pretty frequently), she says it at some point in our deep dive conversations, in between belly laughs and sharing concerns and everything in between. And every single time, it strikes me. I spend a few beats thinking, “God, that is so good” while she is fishing her sentence, and I have to tune back in because the “yes, and.” is so powerful that it takes my entire focus.

I love the “yes, and.” I love how simple and delicate it is.

It is direct, but with a light touch. Not cocky, but certainly self-assured. It conveys, “I know myself, trust myself, respect myself enough to commit that I’m totally open to the thing, and also that I will be gathering what I need to do it, and I’m not sure what that is just yet, and it might change.”

Embracing “yes, and.” has made A.C., if you ask me and as I stated above, successful. She has experienced life in a way few do. She is living. It requires bravery and tenacity. It would be far easier to “yes, but…” But “yes, and.” has lead to people, places and things most only dream of, no matter what comes of them. Reassessing and redrawing the line in the sand in order to make space for the unknown and future possible joy. It’s not easy. Like any super power. But it is worthy.

I am so grateful to have this lesson put right in front of my face. I need it. I aspire to it.

I wanted to invite you to incorporate “yes, and.” into your week. Whether you say it out loud in response to someone’s question, or simply think it to yourself when faced with a fork in the road. Please don’t forget that it is a complete sentence. Don’t collapse yourself into that silent pressure to fill in the blanks, know all the answers, or explain yourself.

“Will you embrace this philosophy, this approach, this courageous way of living?”

“Yes, and.”

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On BlaiseBarber.com, I share at least 3 posts per week: “The Grazing Board” with tidbits of uplifting inspiration, the weekly video post for paying subscribers sharing an interview with a fascinating friend or deeper dive into my world, a narrative style post for non-paying subscribers (such as this one!), and often another quick pick-me-up share with shoppable links to pep up your week.

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xxBlaise